Future du Jour

The daily newspaper’s arrived,
Quick, turn to the Horoscope

It’s a new day, let’s see what’s in store

You’re full of dread even as you hope

Oh wow, the world has turned

And yes, so has your luck

Mercury is now in Mars
So say your very own stars

Your Venus awaits you tonight
The future’s already looking mighty bright
There’s money to be made, lots of it
You’ve got the golden touch, not just a little bit

Today’s the day you will find fame

Much applause and even more acclaim
Everything you do will be just right

Your kids will think their dad’s awesome and hug you tight

Your wife will fall in love with you again

Your social life will be rosy

Your boss will give you a big raise

And everything will be oh so cozy

You’ll get back all the money you’d ever lent

You’ll be surrounded by close friends

An old, lost aunt will bequeath you a million
You’ll have plenty of opportunity to ensure it’s well spent

The Zodiac is in your favour, your lucky colour is yellow

By evening you’ll be elated, even if you’re currently mellow
Because if you place a bet today, you’re sure to win

Just make sure the number ends in seven

There’s a world to travel, you’ll get tickets for free

Just a minor little hiccup, nothing fishy

You’re asked to watch out while crossing the road

Between afternoon three and three thirty

There’s a slight chance you might catch a cold

But don’t you have nary a worry

With Jupiter in ascendancy and retrograde Saturn

It’ll disappear in a real hurry

Everything’s aligned for all you single Areans
Put on your best face, why be afraid

There’s a fortune just waiting to be made
Just wear a sapphire, but stay close to a Scorpion

Your dreams are all well within grasp
Your wishes fulfilled before you ask
That’s what Madame Astro is here for
To make you feel good, get your spirits to soar

Happy, you reach for the next tabloid

Flip the pages again, seeking confirmation

But oops, the aura’s slipped, the Universe is against you

And you slide right back into despair and damnation

You’re not alone, we’re all big suckers

Falling for such crap day after day after day

Our anxieties looking forward in anticipation

While they spin their yarn and continue to make hay