As a former British colony
But besotted with those darn Americans
We are just so very confused
Us poor contemporary English-speaking Indians
Is it an exercise in collusion
To add doubt and Bollywood vernacular
To a language widely spoken
Making it quite uniquely peculiar
When “realise” with an “s”
Is now perfectly acceptable with a “z”
Only, to us desis*, “z” is not “zee”
It still rhymes with red, bed and head
When we’d go to a restaurant
We’d finish eating and ask for the bill
Now it’s also “May we have the check?”
So we call it what we will
A cheque is what we write
Checks are what we wear
My spellcheck gets frustrated
Autocorrect makes me tear my hair
Dialog ends with “ue”, colour retains its “u”
And there’s an extra “s” in Maths
Our cars, automobiles, whatever
Run on petrol or diesel, not on gas
Yes, we drive on the left
And try and keep away from the footpath
And when we’re dirty and sweaty
We don’t shower, we have a bath
And except at fancy places
We still call an elevator a lift
Our money is counted in notes not bills
Just so as not to give our former masters short shrift
A street is nearly always lane
It’s the ground floor, not the first
Soda is the club kind (mixed with whiskey)
Not any fizzy drink that quenches our thirst
The potatoes we eat with burgers are fries
Otherwise they’re called chips
What the English call crisps are wafers
Which we eat noisily with a dip
Biscuits are the salty ones, cookies are sweet
Their wrappers go in a rubbish bin
OK, that’s also a trash can
It’s a different matter we don’t throw them in
Our halls have sofas, no one calls them couch
And lorry and truck are the same
But shrimp are nothing but prawns
And mum is mom called by another name
It’s definitely ass over arse
When talking about our butt
But as for “tom-a-toes” or “tom-aah-toes”
Both still make the cut
Soccer’s now replacing football
But an iced lolly is still candy
Via is pronounced with an “i”, but Iran an “e”
And program, as written, is suffixed with an “me”
A line is a queue
“Jewelry” is “jewellery”, vive la difference
A period is a full stop
Figure it out – it makes no sense
Silly it is and it’s getting out of hand
We need an Anglo-American dictionary to better understand
I could go on and on, the examples run into dozens
We’re paying for the foibles of two North Atlantic cousins
* desis – what we people from the Indian subcontinent call ourselves
You should be proud to know the language so well. We Americans are spoiled since english is so universal.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 My English teacher would kill if she heard our mish-mash of today!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Blimey! Excellent one. Thank you for the good laugh. 😀
LikeLiked by 3 people
My pleasure, Amitav, glad you like it!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very true
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, sir!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliant
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Derrick!
LikeLiked by 1 person
hahahah! Yes, tom-ay-to/ tom-aah-to. Totally feel you there. Hilarious poem 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!
LikeLike
This made me happy. Oh, so happy!
LikeLike
Thank you! I think anyone from a former colony will appreciate it…
LikeLiked by 1 person
So true!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Gettin the American view point here. My auto correct doesn’t use proper English, American English or any form of English either. Our language has more foreign words and pronunciations then us Americans realize or realise. Good read
LikeLiked by 1 person
👍 😊 thanks!
LikeLiked by 1 person
No Problem (an entirely useless American way of filling space in a conversation) :-D. I enjoyed reading it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I read this the other day and meant to comment. I feel your pain as a former British colony and a copy cat American country. But no one can understand us when we say we are coming just now and that can from five minutes to a couple of hours 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh, that’s something that we share as Indians. We have a joke – IST stands for Indian stretchable time…
LikeLiked by 2 people
ha! ha! have a good day and thank you for visiting my blog. You greet me just about every morning:-)
LikeLiked by 3 people
As do you…so the feeling’s mutual! It’s nice to connect with like minded people form across the globe like this! Cheers!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Loved it! I once had a British room-mate and this reminded me of quite a few hilarious incidents.
All of this is so true! 🙂 amazing control and knowledge of both (or rather, all 3 😉 ) languages
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! I do know there are many many more variations of “English as she is spoke” in different countries! Good fun, all in all, isn’t it?
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is, most certainly. Have shared this post on FB 🙂 hope you get some new readers 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLike
I’ve read that the English language is one of the most difficult to learn. I was born and learned to speak it but I’ve encountered difficulties in teaching my kids that phone is really spelled with a Ph not a F. Yet there’s a type of tree spelled fone. I’m Canadian so we spell check completely different like this, cheque. It could be the Queen’s English I don’t know we’re fond of the letter u as well humour, colour, honour, etc. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, I didn’t know Canadians used “u” like we do , spelt cheque like so! Even more surprising, considering your southern neighbours! 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s surprising me too! I’ve only seen it spelled that way in my country and by other Canadians. 😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
Aaah, there you go, another difference – spelt (Brit) and spelled (US)…. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly, I’ve had my essays corrected for spelling mistakes when I add the extra u for eg: honour. I just have to laugh and say it’s my Canadian coming out in my writing. It’s all I’ve ever known though. 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
For some reason, i refuse to adopt the new spelling – the one where the “u” is omitted.
And, I plan to write to Oxford to officially change the spelling of phone to fone. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
In south Florida there are many people from the Caribbean and their English has so many differences. In casual Trinidadian spoken English there is no objective case for pronouns. It is all subjective(nominative) case as in “this is she book” and give it to she”. They call a wrench a spinner. Jamaican patios is real as trip as well. Thanks visit my blog.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh yes, English as she is spoke has many, many regional variations, even here in India, with colloquialisms thrown in! Exasperating!!! 😊
LikeLike
Yep… Welcome to the English language. What a perfect poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha so good.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Archit! Glad you liked it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome.
LikeLiked by 1 person
This is such an amazing post! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You might like this, too!
https://randomrantsruminationsramblings.wordpress.com/2015/08/20/ocd-overdose/
LikeLiked by 1 person
You should work on that dictionary , positively ! I have enjoyed reading your posts today . The first one that has so much humor and is light hearted yet so smart and full of wit ! Am mighty glad to have found you , K ji ! Your posts have added colour / color ( which one ?) to my not so bright day today 🙂
Am going to learn so much from you !
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, c’mon, you’re being kind to an old man 🙂 Enjoy the rest of your day and thanks tons for coming across and spending so much time!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pleasure , I am going to browse through some more later in the day 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
👍
LikeLiked by 2 people
Reblogged this on Andrew Green's Poems and commented:
Marvellous….. even native English speakers get dragged into Americanisms. I have reblogged on my site.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why, thank you so much, Andrew! That’s very nice of you!
LikeLike
Not being nice I think it’s absolutely wonderful.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, again!
LikeLike