Begone, Mr. Beard!

Oh, beard of mine,
How I hate thee!
Vexed am I
For you intrude on my facial property
A scruffy nanometer of a nuisance at a time.
Scraggly, prickly, itchy, bristly.

As a lad, I once looked forward to your arrival,
Eager with anticipation
For each virgin hair.
But now I am grown, And I resent you
Imposing your will on me.
Making me spend
A quarter hour on your damned upkeep
Every day of my existence.
Lathering and shearing and cropping and mowing
Simply to temporarily rid myself of you.
I tend to you each a.m.
But come sundown
You cast your long shadow again,
Your whiskers taking possession of my chin
And trespassing onto my Adam’s apple.

Your comrade, my moustache,
I’ve befriended for life.
He is low on maintenance –
The occasional trim is all he asks for.
Whereas you, quite the ingrate,
Impoverish me and enrich Mr. Gillette
Every time you sprout.
Without my consent, too.

My missus was once your admirer,
Her caress on my cheek
A compliment to you.
Alas, she now prefers smooth to stubble.

So you see sir, I’ve hosted you for too long.
You’ve turned grey, you’ve overstayed, you’re unwanted.
And I wish I could banish you.
How fortunate art thou that cruelty is not me.
Instead, I simply forbid you to annex my face
To grow your fuzz
On that one day that even God took a rest.

 

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39 Comments

  1. Yup, completely nailed it. And i have always used electric shavers which tend to mostly work which is even more infuriating but at this old age of mine feels way too late in the game to be attempting ‘normal’ shaving and so with the electric i remain…

    Liked by 1 person

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  2. You can find some amusing random things to write poems about and people will relate. The most popular poem on my blog, sadly, is not about love or heartbreak but about…my broken car:)

    I wrote a poem about beards once, but it was more about preferring to kiss someone who shaves:) Thanks for sharing the link. I enjoyed your poem.

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  3. hahaha this is brilliant, but i have been with a relationship with beard (with a Thakur moustache) since almost two years now (at one time it was a long one) i find it the best solution of everyday shaving as my face got salvation from razors 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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  4. Kunal, you never cease to amaze me… this time with your beard. I love it (talking about your write-up, just in case you get misled ;). Hahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

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      1. My sympathies. Can’t say the same though! So then why shave at all? I’m sure you’ll carry it off very nicely.

        Liked by 1 person

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